Broken

I’m cold

I don’t smile a lot

I don’t laugh a lot

I don’t crack jokes

I’m mostly quiet

and create a lot of awkward silences

when you’ll talk, I’ll listen

but most of the time

I’m detached.

Physically I am here,

mentally, I’m elsewhere,

dreaming

hopelessly.

I’m indifferent

you’ll freeze with one touch

worse with one word.

I’ll blame it on my father’s parenting

I’ll sit there, and watch you

I’ll sit there and stare

sipping one coffee

after the other

I’ll listen to you speak

probably it’ll touch me

deeply,

but I won’t know how to respond

so I’ll just sit there,

blank as ever

with my big empty eyes

I’ll feel all sorts of things

but I’ll keep it to myself

I’ll just stuff it away

elsewhere, in my mind

in the wonderland

of my subconscious.

I’ll disappoint,

I’m best at doing so.

It’s easy to fall in love with me

and difficult to stay that way.

I’m a wild horse

free to run with the wind

free to destroy anything

I feel like destroying

on my way,

free to shut my ears

and not listen

free to shoot my heart

and not feel.

Tonight I will go to the cinema

I’ll be there, but I’ll be elsewhere

I’ll listen, but I’ll be thinking

of something else.

I’ll be with them, but I won’t be.

I’ll seem happy, but I’ll be bored.

and then I’ll leave,

without saying goodbye

I’ll just disappear

for good.. with my bags

and my journals

I’ll leave.

Tonight I’ll disappear.

Hail

Downheartedly I walked on home.
“Let me drive you home”,
“I prefer walking”,
“Did you see the goddamn weather outside? Please, let me drive you home”,
“Thank you, but I rather walk home tonight”.

So I sauntered back to my house in this chaos,
I suppose I was feeling a little disheartened,
dolorous enough to place myself in the middle of a hailstorm.

“I hate to break it to you but…”,
When people you met five minutes ago play therapist,
when people you just met want to fix you…

So I walked through nature’s disorder
but this disorder was scintillating
and as the wind carried the stones and sprinkled it from left to right,
the choreographed dance became breathtaking to watch.
For that reason, the glacial temperature mattered less and less,
even if my countenance turned ruby-red,
even if my legs became numb as logs
but the white of the hail laid so alluringly against the midnight blue of the sky.
So I walked on home a little less disappointed.

Consequently, my disappointment dissolved into mania
and an unsound kind of excitement triumphed over me.

I felt alive again.

I felt on top of the world,
did I snort any of the white stuff along my way?
I felt indestructible,
completely unescorted in a hail filled desert.
My sloppy pacing changed into marching,
so I marched on home confidently
and powerfully against the merciless blow of a thousand winds.

A sprinkling of glistering porcelain dust poured itself endlessly over me,
I wished to melt away and come back as a snowflake,
only to be a part of this orchestrated heavenliness,
but I was alive again,
too alive, in fact.

Re-learning Forgiveness

My goal in life is to constantly improve myself and one of the milestones I’ve set for myself this month is to pray for people that have hurt me or wronged me in any way. And I’m not talking about an overall generic prayer but I mean by naming each individual and praying for their forgiveness, their wellbeing and their future.

I’m surprised at how difficult this has been.

This act has made me come to the realisation that when I thought I had forgiven people and cleaned my heart for them, I really hadn’t. Because why would praying for them in positive light be so hard? Don’t get me wrong, I would never wish ill upon them, but to pray for their success has proven difficult.

I thought I had become indifferent to them. I hadn’t. People I am indifferent to are easy to pray for.

My point? I’m meeting new parts of myself everyday, parts I didn’t know existed, parts I had misconceptions about, parts which I recognise now and will help me to heal. For all it’s worth, I hope we can all make a conscious effort to pray for each other, life’s already too difficult to be carrying invisible burdens.

Disconnect

Ring, ring, ring
press -> ignore
ring, ring, ring
“Oye, where you hiding?”

Ugh I had no choice
“Why are you so boring now? Come out with us like you used to, come on, come out. We’ll have fun like we used to.”

Went to bed early again
no choice 

It’s what I do when things get too much
I say goodnight, sweet dreams
and I pass out 

On fear
on irritation
on my impatience
on sleep
on sleep so deep

Entered another dimension
lived through the past
lived in between love and hate

Remembered, touched and smelled
everything I once loved
everything I’m now apparently indifferent with

Walked through gardens of honour
filled with dishonourable souls

His compassion

I asked most desperately to be guided towards the light
instead they attempted to teach me how to find it myself

It is part of my knowledge that I have the ability to find it myself
but I specifically asked to be guided towards it – and that’s different. 

Yet I was deemed silly, if not too reliant 
I asked for tenderness and I have cried for it 

Yet I was deemed a victim of my own victimisation,
of my very own weaknesses and insecurities 

And when I uttered that I would rather be dead,
the room grew heavy with silence 

It was rather awkward, I must admit 
worse than when my temper had its fit 

Tendencies, my dear, I said, “tendencies”
and they looked at me almost indifferently 

For I have exhausted an already exhausted crowd
by asking for more time, something that we take so much for granted
that some, most, cannot afford.

“If there’s anybody hurting you, you’re doing it yourself”

So instead, I knock on His door, almost breaking it down,
asking for a little bit of time and tenderness

Time and tenderness
compassion, oh empathy

When I myself am in no condition to offer
any of those things

Positive Vibes Only, NOT!

As I scroll through social media; Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and the likes, I see the world twice. Once through their eyes and once through mine. In a time where mental illness is more prevalent than ever, I still see most of my feed covered with “influencers” talking about “positive vibes only”,  and it just made me think, why do we still need to manipulate what people see?

When I see these phrases plastered all over social media, in cafes and restaurants I think of all the people this doesn’t take into account. There are people who are struggling with anxiety, depression, problems at home, problems at work, people who are sick, people adjusting to change, people with financial issues, people in toxic environments, and my heart breaks. These people sit there, isolated and alone, with very little hope of reaching out to someone already, struggling, really struggling, only to be faced with “positive vibes only”; do you see how we have immediately dismissed a huge part of society and added to a problem that generations before us have already ignored?

Of course it is great to have an optimistic outlook, to always see life for the better, but sometimes this attitude is reserved for the people who haven’t struggled with difficult circumstances, who have had the luxury of speaking to someone and letting the hot air out, who have been given a hand to see the brighter side. And as a generation that is here to break all previous curses how incredible would it be if we could use this space to really be open, to be that helping hand others can’t see, to openly discuss societal issues and make ourselves that ear some people are dying to have, that people so desperately crave. For us to be that hand that will pull people through the worst of situations and show them that really, it is possible to grow out of the darker spaces in life, that this really isn’t a black and white situation, it’s a journey towards the light, and some of us are further along than others, but we will all get there, eventually, one day, as long as we leave the light on for others along the way.

It’s about time we started to use these tools to talk about hardships as well as our ease and happiness, to show the messy hair, no makeup days where we simply cannot find the energy to function. Show me your good days, yes, but please, keep it real with me, with us and show us the real and the bad. Show me you are no different so we don’t all feel alone.

Letter to a Stranger

Dear Stranger,

There’s this distance between us, this distance I want to maintain, for fear of attachment, for fear of your brokenness. I watch you from a distance, these words you so carefully phrase, I nod and smile and wonder how long you have been lying to yourself more than me. I look at the fine lines that have emerged beneath your eyes, I take note of how you distract your gaze every time our eyes meet for three seconds too long and I can’t help but to think, do you fear me like I fear you? How long have you been holding yourself together? How long have you acted so strong? How old are these walls and will you ever really open the door? There’s so much I want to say but today, I sit tight lipped, I have no choice in this moment but to leave you in your brokenness, to leave these pieces untouched; for I do not have the courage to ask you how, or why or when; for I fear my attachment to broken things and the desire to fix them, to fix you. I am sorry that today I will be selfish and resist the temptation to run my fingers down every crack in these walls and tell you to heal. But I must heal myself first, feed into my cracks, and maybe one day when we have both healed we can do this again. Dear Stranger, today I see your pain and I say nothing; dear stranger, today I see myself in you, and you in me and I say nothing.

With Love,

Your Stranger

Aside

The mirrorr in the sky

This morning was the same, the same as every other morning. However, I woke up with a sudden understanding about things. Some mirror in the sky reflected me the answers to my questions while I was outside performing my morning ritual which involves sitting in the garden drinking coffee after making my father breakfast and watching him smoke a cigarette. So the sky gave me the answers to my never ending questions about myself, about my feelings, about the petty things I worry about, my daily joys, my daily sorrows.

It is kind of difficult to explain and as always, I do not know what pushed me to write in the first place, but I am here right now, with this urgent feeling to write. The worst part is, I cannot translate what I feel into words. But I will try to explain anyway.

So we live in this world, filled with war, filled with disease, filled with many, many sorrowful things and with sorrow come raw emotions of hate, of remorse, of despair and all these things are judged to be ugly. I guess they are. I guess they are, most of the time because they evoke violence and turbulence in an individual. This morning, as I watched the smoke from the cigarette, I watched it merge with the air, right above me and I found it absolutely beautiful. How can such a deadly cancer stick, create so much beauty. And I somehow applied it to humans in general, to life in general. Among all the filth, the disease, the hate, the ugliness, there are some people that change it all around for me, there are some people who smile and lighten up my world, there are some people that are absolutely beautiful and I am speaking of an inner beauty here. It’s the aura. It’s the energy. It’s the goddamn energy that they radiate with, and it makes me shine. It relieves me from anxiety, from inner corruption. Such people bring peace and harmony to my soul. I couldn’t be more grateful.

There are other people, however, who drain me, depress me, aggravate my disorder, who make me suffer even more with their constant brutality, with their constant unnecessary comments, with their criticism. I try to avoid such people now, no matter how beautiful their speech or their appearance is, no matter how intelligent they are or how alluring they are. Once again, it’s the aura that plays the major role here. Their aura is filled with negativity, with jealousy, with bitterness. Such people want to see you fall, to see you unhappy and drown in the gutter of failure; the worst part is even if you try to avoid them, they will find you anyway, anywhere you are, they will run after you, suck out all your positive energy, because that is what they do, these energetic vampires.

I don’t know why but I have always had such conniving individuals lurking in the dark alleys of my life waiting for me to break, to reach some kind of vulnerability to put their teeth right through my neck and suck my life away, after all, it’s pure science. The positive attracts the negative and vice versa. I’ve just always been very sensitive, very fragile and I guess it shows, no matter how much I try to hide it by putting on a mask and an armour to hide this vulnerability. I guess, it’s easy access. I guess I am the perfect victim…

I am exhausted.

Leave me alone.

Damn it.

For a while at least.

That’s what the mirror in the sky showed me by whispering, “get away, spread your wings and fly away. You belong with the sun, in the sky. Your radiance cannot be overshadowed. Just let go, get away, run, but just let go.”

Inner Conflict

Being an intellectual appeals to me, but as the quote goes, “happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know” which is understandable. The more intelligent you are and the more knowledgeable you are, the more you understand that the world is not a just world, and that a lot of people are manipulators, and that love and magic are imagined by humans to make life a little more worthwhile, that everything is solely theoretical and scientific, etc.

I am conflicted. As always.

In my head, I’m still a Disney princess, believing in a happily ever after, with prince charming on a white horse and a castle, with everlasting kindness, with fairytale like kind people and magic all around me and my kingdom. And then I try being an intellectual, reading something so contemplative and depressing. Really? I laugh at myself. The irony of it is too much.

Yeah, it’s not an easy task balancing these two attitudes and practices. Both appeal to me very much; the intellectual side for maintaining great conversations with people and learning from these enriching dialogues. And the fairytale side for the magic of innocence and blind kindness. I like blind kindness, I think it’s the most beautiful thing on earth. My point? I don’t even know what I’m trying to get at, right now. All I know is that I’m conflicted but I lead parallel lives, and that’s why, sometimes, I come off as an enigma to other people. “What the hell do you want, Kay?” Kay doesn’t know. Kay wants everything at the same time, Kay loves everything. Kay is probably out of her little mind and it’s alright. It really is, as long as Kay keeps all of it in a steady kind of state.