Being an intellectual appeals to me, but as the quote goes, “happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know” which is understandable. The more intelligent you are and the more knowledgeable you are, the more you understand that the world is not a just world, and that a lot of people are manipulators, and that love and magic are imagined by humans to make life a little more worthwhile, that everything is solely theoretical and scientific, etc.
I am conflicted. As always.
In my head, I’m still a Disney princess, believing in a happily ever after, with prince charming on a white horse and a castle, with everlasting kindness, with fairytale like kind people and magic all around me and my kingdom. And then I try being an intellectual, reading something so contemplative and depressing. Really? I laugh at myself. The irony of it is too much.
Yeah, it’s not an easy task balancing these two attitudes and practices. Both appeal to me very much; the intellectual side for maintaining great conversations with people and learning from these enriching dialogues. And the fairytale side for the magic of innocence and blind kindness. I like blind kindness, I think it’s the most beautiful thing on earth. My point? I don’t even know what I’m trying to get at, right now. All I know is that I’m conflicted but I lead parallel lives, and that’s why, sometimes, I come off as an enigma to other people. “What the hell do you want, Kay?” Kay doesn’t know. Kay wants everything at the same time, Kay loves everything. Kay is probably out of her little mind and it’s alright. It really is, as long as Kay keeps all of it in a steady kind of state.