This morning was the same, the same as every other morning. However, I woke up with a sudden understanding about things. Some mirror in the sky reflected me the answers to my questions while I was outside performing my morning ritual which involves sitting in the garden drinking coffee after making my father breakfast and watching him smoke a cigarette. So the sky gave me the answers to my never ending questions about myself, about my feelings, about the petty things I worry about, my daily joys, my daily sorrows.
It is kind of difficult to explain and as always, I do not know what pushed me to write in the first place, but I am here right now, with this urgent feeling to write. The worst part is, I cannot translate what I feel into words. But I will try to explain anyway.
So we live in this world, filled with war, filled with disease, filled with many, many sorrowful things and with sorrow come raw emotions of hate, of remorse, of despair and all these things are judged to be ugly. I guess they are. I guess they are, most of the time because they evoke violence and turbulence in an individual. This morning, as I watched the smoke from the cigarette, I watched it merge with the air, right above me and I found it absolutely beautiful. How can such a deadly cancer stick, create so much beauty. And I somehow applied it to humans in general, to life in general. Among all the filth, the disease, the hate, the ugliness, there are some people that change it all around for me, there are some people who smile and lighten up my world, there are some people that are absolutely beautiful and I am speaking of an inner beauty here. It’s the aura. It’s the energy. It’s the goddamn energy that they radiate with, and it makes me shine. It relieves me from anxiety, from inner corruption. Such people bring peace and harmony to my soul. I couldn’t be more grateful.
There are other people, however, who drain me, depress me, aggravate my disorder, who make me suffer even more with their constant brutality, with their constant unnecessary comments, with their criticism. I try to avoid such people now, no matter how beautiful their speech or their appearance is, no matter how intelligent they are or how alluring they are. Once again, it’s the aura that plays the major role here. Their aura is filled with negativity, with jealousy, with bitterness. Such people want to see you fall, to see you unhappy and drown in the gutter of failure; the worst part is even if you try to avoid them, they will find you anyway, anywhere you are, they will run after you, suck out all your positive energy, because that is what they do, these energetic vampires.
I don’t know why but I have always had such conniving individuals lurking in the dark alleys of my life waiting for me to break, to reach some kind of vulnerability to put their teeth right through my neck and suck my life away, after all, it’s pure science. The positive attracts the negative and vice versa. I’ve just always been very sensitive, very fragile and I guess it shows, no matter how much I try to hide it by putting on a mask and an armour to hide this vulnerability. I guess, it’s easy access. I guess I am the perfect victim…
I am exhausted.
Leave me alone.
For a while at least.
That’s what the mirror in the sky showed me by whispering, “get away, spread your wings and fly away. You belong with the sun, in the sky. Your radiance cannot be overshadowed. Just let go, get away, run, but just let go.”